“Faces And Names”

“Faces and Names.” That was the name of the last bar I went to on my visit to New York a few weeks ago. I thought it was a particularly apt name since that’s what the bar scene is all about. Whether we’re struggling to remember them or trying to meet them, it’s all about the faces and names. 

Out and about in Glenwood South, it’s easy to spot the usual suspects. We have “Perfectly- Pedicured Pam,” “Ex-Drummer Eddie with the Earrings,” “Tiny-Tube-Top Tina,” “Designer-Label Dan”… We all know them, and we all have adjectives to describe them. But one thing we all have in common is that we travel in packs. And each group of friends has it’s own group dynamic. Read on and see if this applies to someone you know…

Groups of men are like rock bands. There’s always a lead singer… the Alpha Male, and he’s seldom seen without his band. There’s the narcissistic Lead Guitarist, who in real life is probably an insurance or car salesman. You know him. He’s the wingman, quick to lie himself and his buddies out of any sticky situation. The Bass Guitarist is the cool guy, the chick magnet. The Drummer holds it all together, keeping the peace. And sometimes, there are more friends tagging along (for the sake or our metaphor, we’ll call them the Roadies) and they’re around to provide support and “take one for the team.” (In guy code, it means that in order for someone else to meet the attractive friends in a group, one of these guys will keep the ugly one, affectionately called “The grenade,” occupied so his buddies can move in.) They probably call each other by their last names and can be spotted in the same spot for at least an hour, side by side, hardly speaking to each other with a beer in one hand. As in every good rock star fantasy, they all aspire to someday be the lead singer.

Girls are a little easier to describe yet strangely more complicated. They all take at least one hour to get ready, sometimes even two or more. They also go through at least three outfits before deciding on the perfect one for that particular night out. Yes, rumor confirmed, and don’t laugh. It’s much worse on a “first date” night.

A friend of mine once said that in every group of four women, there’s always the Smart one, the Pretty one, the Funny one and the Slut. When there is a group of three, combine Smart and Funny and you’ll get Witty. Nowadays, women are getting increasingly bolder. Instead of waiting for a guy to approach, they’ve been making the first move. Of course, any maneuver is subject to discussion and possible ridicule by the group, and is sometimes the outcome of a dare… but I digress…

Basically, the pretty one is the guy magnet, the funny one provides the entertainment, and the smart one answers all the tough questions and keeps the attention of the ones that are worth keeping. (Not making a fishing metaphor here, but we do throw some back) And of course, we all know that the slut usually gets her man, or somebody else’s. She’s the one who wears the most provocative outfits and often drinks to excess. If she hasn’t found a guy within fifteen minutes of bar closing time, she exhausts all the numbers in her cell phone speed dial. Some of us have taken on one or more of these roles at any given time, but ladies beware, the next time you’re out with your crew, identify the key players. If the Smart, Pretty and Funny ones are all accounted for, chances are, tonight guess who you are!?!

Take me to the next column. I want MORE!